If you chose to read this to find out if your fling is either hot or cold, chances are it’s probably cold.
Or it’s hot. I don’t know your life.
Or maybe you’re yes then you’re no and you’re in then you’re out and you’re up then you’re down. Okay, I’m dizzy now.
But I do know my own and have learned a few things along the way. Or at least I like to think I have. But I probably actually haven’t, so choose to listen to me at your own risk. You’ve been warned.
So, I will pose some common scenarios that are often overanalyzed at girls’ brunch and then give my own verdict on the situation. I will be drawing from my own mostly embarrassing romantic past when weighing in. Again, you’ve been warned.
Scenario 1: You texted him. He didn’t answer. Ever.
Brunch Time Justifications That I Have Actually Heard: His phone was broken. He passed out at a party and his crazy ex girlfriend deleted his text messages. He didn’t have anything interesting to say and panicked.
The amount of trouble I went through to get that screenshot is ridiculous. “Hey friend that I changed to “Boy I Fancy” in my phonebook, don’t answer the text I’m about to send you, I need to screenshot it for a blog post.” Now that is dedication folks.
Verdict: Girl, as much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, he likes you not. I don’t care if he is in the middle of the woods recreating burning man in a wild attempt to “find himself;” if he has cell reception and he likes you, he will find a way to text you back. Even if it’s by smoke signal. Hey, we’ve all been there. You send the text and then throw your phone across the room or hide it under a pillow. And then after the hours have passed with still no response, you send your BFF a text to “make sure your phone is working.” But, don’t let it get you down, there’s other fish in the sea who probably have a smartphone and iMessage is so much better.
Exception: His phone is broken. But, I doubt it.
Scenario 2: You Facebook chat him and he one words you until signing off without saying goodbye.
Brunch Time Justifications That I Have Actually Heard: He forgot to pay his wifi bill and his internet connection was turned off mid conversation. He fell asleep at the computer. He’s the “strong but quiet type.”
Homeboy goes hard while watching YouTube videos and reading College Humor articles.
Verdict: He probably likes you not. Contrary to what is sadly popular belief, if a guy is into you he will assist in perpetuating the conversation. It takes two to tango, or in this case Facebook chat. He will say more than “nothing” when you ask him what he did today. I mean you aren’t his mom asking the 8th grade version of him what he learned at school today.
Exception: He has nothing to say because he is boring. If that is the case run in the other direction. You need a stimulating conversation partner.
Scenario 3: You’ve hooked up with a guy a few times. He seems interested but is always busy when you try to make plans to hang out.
Brunch Time Justifications That I Have Actually Heard: He probably is busy! He’s too tired to hang out! You intimidate him!
Except he doesn’t. womp womp.
Verdict: This one is a little harder to judge. Because chances are if you’re hooking up with a productive member of society, he really is busy. However, I don’t care how busy he is. If he’s into you, he will make time for you. Even if it’s just for a quick coffee date in between working a 9-5, teaching inner city kids how to read and working on his painting of the city night skyline. Actually, if your boy matches that description, can you kindly send him my way ? But I digress. If he is always mysteriously busy, he may just be around for the benefits.
Exception: He really is too busy. But no one wants to get involved with a workaholic.
Sorry if any of this was too harsh. Just look at this picture of Ryan Gosling. I promise it will make you feel better. And drop the duds! No boy is worth that much analysis. You have more important things to worry about at brunch like will it be a mimosa or a bellini.
If you insist.
Images courtesy of Google.